Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Fear & Loathing

It has been quite some time since I wrote a post of any sort. Recently I've been hanging onto fear and regret, and quite frankly it's killing me. I've been, for the past 2 years, 1 class short of applying for a nursing program. I LOVE science, especially biology, and I want to help people. I'm not exactly an outgoing person, I'm an extreme introvert. I've feared that one class for years now, making excuses as to why I'm not taking it. The real reason is I'm afraid to put myself out there, fear of rejection, fear of success. Why do I fear success? I honestly don't know why I fear success. Perhaps I have a deep seeded fear of change that I am not willing to acknowledge. To be quite honest, I've been using my kids as an excuse to not finish school. That I don't want them in daycare is what I keep saying. They are going on 7 & 9 now. By the time I'd start the nursing program they would be 8 & 10. I'm pretty sure they'd be fine in a before/after school program.

Yesterday I wrote a friend privately and told her I am making an appointment with an admissions rep from the school in which I would like to apply and attend for a nursing degree. I have looked at that website for hours, determining what classes I have, what I need to take, etc. I have discovered that I am likely eligible for a BSN program as well as the ADN program. The BSN program is fall/spring/summer for two years, and at the end I'd be awarded a BSN. The ADN is again, two years, of fall/spring. Depending on how my credits transfer, I would have to take possibly 3-4 more classes instead of just 1 before starting the nursing program. This is doable as I have looked at a fall 2013 start on the nursing program.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm sick and tired of feeling regret all the time. I'm done loathing my existence. I told only 3 people so far of my intentions: an online friend, my husband, and my mom. My mom hasn't said it, but I can tell in her voice and the way she quickly changes the subject that she doesn't think I'll follow through. To be fair, I'm 30 years old, I've gone back and quit school numerous times. My husband doesn't say it either, but I know deep down he thinks I'm going to spend all the money to apply, go a semester or two, then quit. The only person to cheer me on, tell me to go for my dreams was an online friend that I've never met. That happened almost two years ago when I started my physical transformation. My family & husband thought I'd quit, only one online friend cheered me on, told me I could do it.

Let me tell you something. A couple years ago I made a choice to be healthier physically. In May of 2011 I purchased INSANITY and it was the very first time I had EVER followed through with something. The first time I finished what I started, even though 2 weeks to the end I herniated a disc in my lower back. I finished that round of Insanity after my back healed. That was a little over a year ago. I have continued on with training 5-6 days a week ever since, never missing a beat. I stuck with something, proved to myself and my entire family that I CAN and DID do this. Training has become a part of my core, who I am. I 've changed not only physically, but mentally as well.

I transformed my body. Now it's time to transform my mind fully. I will do this. No more waiting for the "right" time. If I keep waiting the right time will never occur. If I don't want change for myself, everything will stay the same. Only I can make things better, the world can't do it for me.

They like me, they really really like me!